Redefining Who You Are Outside of Half a Couple

Relationships - Sanity & Self | 0 comments

Redefining who you are outside of a couple

6 Steps to Reconnect With Your Inner Badass Self

So I recently got dumped from a long term relationship. I thought we were going to get married, I thought he was the one. I’m currently 29, no kids and no partner anymore. I’m so anxious about my age. I feel so old and I feel like I don’t know how anyone will be interested in me. I feel like I’m past my “use by date” and that anyone new I meet will be thinking about my age. I’m so upset I’ve wasted so many years on a guy who walked out on me! Am I being ridiculous?! ~Sam

Dear Sam,

Thank you for writing in about the very topic that tends to be on many women’s minds, especially after a breakup that felt outside of their control and/or another significant life stressor or change.  Who am I? Who do I want to be? What role do I play? Where do I go from here?

First and foremost, you absolutely do not have a “use by date” like milk in the fridge. At age 29, you have plenty to offer. The fact that you are having a voice and bringing awareness to this topic tells me that you are strong, courageous, ambitious, and willing to get shit done type of woman! Sure, you might feel lost and hurt right now. You are mourning a loss of what once was. It takes time to regain your sense of self once experiencing loss in life, and it can absolutely leave you with many questions about where to go from here. Most importantly, identifying what you are in control of and what is outside of your control, and not settling for something that is unhealthy or not bringing you happiness. I’m not saying this is what was occurring in your relationship dynamic, but I do agree with you when you say that on the flip side of feeling lost or worthless, there are also many women who stay in unhealthy and unhappy relationships. I’m a firm believer that people come into our life for a reason, a season or a lifetime, and sometimes we don’t always know why in the moment things did not work out. However, what I do know is you are well-deserving of doing YOU, for YOU and being your own S(HE) Boss: Strong.Happy.Empowered. So let’s rise above and get shit done! You’ve got this!

6 Steps To Reconnect With Your Inner Badass S(HE) Boss

  1. Acceptance: Let yourself feel “it” by accepting that the thought and feeling is present. What are the thoughts? What are the feelings? What am I in control of? Wallow in it for a few minutes, and then it’s time to deal with it and move forward.
  2. Cause: Identify what might be playing a role in why you feel like you might have lost your sense of self with falling into a particular role, such as Girlfriend/Wife, Mama, Daughter, Caretaker, etc., or evening feeling like an imposter. Once you know why you feel like this, you can take steps to work through it by taking charge of the triggers or managing your thought patterns. What caused it? How did I fix the problem? Again, what am I in control of (see a theme here :)?
  3. Building Self-Confidence: Sounds silly, but taking a stance with your body that makes you feel in control or in charge (like Wonder Woman), can help your mind with a much needed self-confidence boost….just enough to shut that monster down, and feel badass. Holding this pose for 3-5 minutes has scientifically shown to boost confidence, authenticity, ability, and leadership. So take a few minutes to channel your own Wonder Woman, or as Dr.J would say “Your badass S(HE) Boss”, and let’s get shit done! Keep doing the do and don’t stop working, even on the bad days. Keep fighting the fight!
  4. Give Yourself Credit By Owning Your Own Good Shit: Just as much as we tend to beat ourselves up for the bad shit, let’s make sure we embrace and own our good shit!!! Give yourself credit for those things you are doing, not for others, but YOU! When someone gives you a compliment or praises you in some fashion, accept it, own it, and embrace it! You are well-deserving of recognizing and owning your own successes.
  5. Practice Gratitude and Be Kind: Write things down that you are grateful for in your life. This also includes things about yourself. Think about the things that made YOU feel good. This can help to put things into perspective, especially on those days you might be struggling. Embrace the things that give you a sense of meaning and purpose.
  6. Be Your Own Badass S(HE) Boss: Stop following or comparing yourself to others. Identify what are your likes, dislikes, desires, wants, needs and stick to them by saying F*ck Yes to yourself. Don’t allow for an unhealthy adaptation to someone else’s life out of the inability to say no or adapting to what someone else wants you to be. Keep yourself accountable to who you are and who you want to be. If someone walks out of your life, let them. That’s their loss and their own shit. And most importantly, if someone shows you who they are, believe them. Pay attention to red flags, trust your gut feeling (I call it our sixth sense), and know your boundaries and limits. Do not settle for less than the badass S(HE) boss that you are!!


Stay tuned in, in touch & turned on!


Today’s topic comes from the Sanity & Self community. If you’d like to submit a question for Dr. J to answer download the Sanity & Self app and post your question in the “Real Convo” tab.

About the Author

Dr. Jessica Germano-Fokin (Dr.J) is a Licensed Mental Health Practitioner that specializes in sexual health and relationships. She has several years experience in psychosexual research, education, therapy, and consulting. Her patients and clients often refer to her as the “Sex Doctor”.  She’s been active on local radio shows and featured in local magazines.

Dr.J’s passion is assisting individuals in areas including, but not limited to: loving yourself, dating, sexual and partner communication, relationship concerns, intimacy issues, gender identity, body image, self-esteem, anxiety and depression, sexual orientation, sexual trauma, sexual dysfunctions, sexual pleasures, and developing and maintaining a healthy relationship and healthy sexual lifestyle. Her motto is “Do YOU, For YOU and be your own S(HE) Boss: Strong•Happy•Empowered”.  Stay tuned in, in touch, and turned on because you are well-deserving of embracing your sexual self and living a healthy and fulfilling sexual lifestyle. Work with Dr. J one-on-one in Sanity & Self’s Chat 1:1 or visit her online at

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